29 wks 1 day- Pity Party

Today I feel some jealousy. I noticed a pregnant friend is on a tropical "babymoon" in Mexico. That is a relatively new term meaning a last-hurrah vacation before baby comes. Sean and I have traditionally taken a tropical vacation every winter and canoe camping trip every summer. We were excited to take a babymoon this January to Hawaii. Months ago, I okayed the trip with my OB. After a minor bleeding scare at 11 weeks on a trip to Kansas, I changed my mind and decided flying for eight hours each way made me too nervous. We changed our plan to NYC, one of our favorite destinations. I hounded Sean about buying the plane tickets the day before being put on bed rest...thankfully he procrastinated! So the farthest we will be heading until DD (delivery day) is West Madison. We live in SE Madison. We joke about loading up the car for our big trip to the west side when we go to Sean's Mom's house, but it is sad to not get that last purely selfish and carefree vacation.

On the beach in Nassau, Bahamas last February

I have tried to stay positive through this experience. Many people have even commented to me that they are impressed by my positive attitude. I say "thank you" but point out that they are seeing me when I'm happy. I still break down and get sad every once in a while. Obviously I'm not going to post on Facebook about crying because I can't go skiing, arrange the nursery or even drive myself to the dentist, because that's not what Facebook is for...it's for giving a falsely-positive spin on your life so that the people you went to high school with but haven't seen in 15 years think everything is awesome.

My plan from the first day of bed rest was to not wish this time to fly by, but to use the time to my advantage. My mom asked if I could be put into a deep sleep and woken when bed rest is over, would I do it, and I immediately said "No." I would miss out on 4-5 months of life, even if that life is on the couch. (Sean might like a break from me for a bit though! Haha) I want to use this time to my advantage and learn new skills, organize my life and relax before everything changes.

Ice skating on Lake Monona a few years ago 

When I am feeling down I think about how much I actually miss working. I miss taking care of the babies and their families, being challenged and honing my skills at deliveries and with sick babies and seeing my coworkers every day. I also miss driving to Target to wander the aisles...buying useless crap and excessive (but adorable) baby gear. I miss cleaning my house the way I like it, as much as I like to while organizing and rearranging things. I miss cooking (just kidding, I don't cook!) I do miss going out for brunch on the weekend with Sean though. I miss jogging and even walking to the end of the driveway to get the mail. and I miss Lucy A LOT. So yes, I am positive, but sometimes the rose-tinted glasses get blurred with tears of frustration. I'm certainly not writing this to make people feel sorry for me (I get plenty of pity already). I'm writing this for the other bed ridden mamas that may read this, to see that even when you have a positive mental attitude, bed rest still sucks. A friend who just went through a traumatic pregnancy and long NICU journey gave me these wise words,

"It's a long journey, but we have our comfortable shoes on."

I have always felt that I may not have control over what happens to me in life, but I do have every bit of control over my reaction and perspective. As a child, my parents taught me that there is always someone who has it better than me and there is always someone who has it worse than me. I love that philosophy because it makes you strive to have better while being thankful you don't have the worst. Every week we have stayed pregnant I have stayed positive by remembering how lucky I am that I am still pregnant, compared to all the women who have preemies in the NICU, or have lost their babies.

On the other hand, I still get horribly jealous of the pregnant women who have it "better," and take for granted that they can do whatever they want while pregnant. Women who can still work, saving their PTO for when they have a baby to take care of. Women who can grocery shop and run errands so their husbands don't have to do everything on top of two jobs and a college class. Women who complain about pregnancy symptoms while so many women would love more than anything to feel those symptoms because it means they are carrying their own child.

After our miscarriage last year my body yearned with desperation to be pregnant, and I swore that I would NEVER take a day for granted when I was pregnant again. I still feel that it is an important and powerful thing to remember and even when I am bored and watching the clock tick closer to another day's gestation, I never take for granted that I have a little life inside of me. Every kick and tickle this guy gives me makes me so joyous, like he's reminding me that he's still in there and I just need to hang in there until I get to meet him.

Lucy pic of the day- All ready for our canoe trip (last summer)! She is sporting a bug net on her head and sturdy hiking boots for portages. You can really tell how excited she is, she can't even keep her eyes open.